House Hunting in Calabar that will Make You Laugh

Here are funny stories that will make you laugh about house hunting in Calabar.

House Hunting in Calabar

Some days back, I came across a Calabar Blog facebook page with the post asking members to "Tell us about your house hunting and landlord experience in Calabar". This one na serious matter. Them say landlord travel and see. Choi, traveller don see white lizard.

Anyway if you go house hunting, let it not be in the dry season but rather it is good for you during the rainy season. Funniest thing you wouldn't expect would come to play as you go hunting for your place of residence. 

In Nigeria and all over the world, each country, state and local government area has their own way of letting you know that this is our area. 

Sometimes your status in the society would determine the area you want to live in. Anyhow, every area get their own wahala. For this post, the Calabar experience from the landlord is what I am looking at.

I just want to laugh and the reaction from this post from Calabar blog, na wetin dey make me laugh. If you are ready to laugh, oya, make you join us. And if you get your own experience for the area you live, don't forget to share it here in the comment section.  Funny Nigerian Comments and Compliment that are Disrespectful to Your Person

See comments and reactions!

Thank God I have never experienced anything like these..been opportuned to have some of the best landlords, las las na single room wahala for public compound. 
—Esther Odu

Some landlords in Calabar (most especially at ikot Ansa) collect 2 year rent straight.
They don't charge a year's rent for new tenants. You have to pay 2 year rent straight before you start paying 1 year at a time when it expires.
There's this tenant I know over there, who collected 2 year rent amounting to 80k plus other charges including toilet, sanitation, NEPA bill, drinks, and welcome fee. All amounting to 95k.
After 4 months, he started telling his friends that he sometimes feels as if the new tenant is living in his house for free, that's after the money has finished lol.
The problem with Calabar landlords is that almost 90% of them depend on house rent for survival.
—Emmanuel Umong

It's true ooh. I remember during my service year in Calabar. My PPA was a school around White House by Watt Market, Calabar South. I find house tire, any house I see, they will tell you to pay for the room, toilet, sweeping of the compound and drinks differently. I had to run to Big Qua behind the Transcorp hotel to rent a comfortable apartment for a very low fee, being that my landlord then was an ex-military man and he understood the plight of a Corp member like me then. Obongette, Abasi odoin infii.
—Nina Blessing Okeugo Peters

All of you saying all these things about Calabar landlords asking for this and that, yet you live comfortably in whatever space you can afford. How about the rat holes we have to pay 250k and above for in Lagos!! Lemme oo, anyway this is not my handwriting sef.
—Glory Mark

Glory Mark Lagos u go pay agent fee yet dem go show you house that's not comfortable and last last u go come see one compound wey the toilet go dey full every three three month and u go pay 1k for toilet fee every three month ooo. Lagos pass Calabar oo no be lie.
—Mfoniso Otoben

When I gained admission in Unical back in 2017, I and my friend walked around looking for apartment... We met two agents and both requested for consultation fee of 2k before they could take us around and subsequently pay 10% of the house rent we'd pay to landlord.
Landlord on the other hand requested 5k for toilet fee, 5k for entertainment fee... All these are outside the expensive house rent o.
They say they don't have work and house rent is their source of income.
Omo most toilet and bathroom in calabar south is something eh... My mouth no fit talk everything.
—Ebu K. Pierre

Ebu K. Pierre agent ten percent is fair, warri standard one room is 20k, management room 15-10k, self-contain 30, one bedroom flat 50 - 70, and So on. Landlord drink five k, security
—Peculiar Peace

Peculiar Peace N70,000 can not pay rent for one room in some areas in Calabar.
—Ejim Kenneth

The above mentioned prices are agent fees not house rent
—Peculiar Peace

My own experience is that I have to pay fr rope for hanging clothes,pay fr toilet,pay for dustbin then pay for NEPA which is 12 thousand for a year,and the room am staying is not big the greedy landlord say want to turn it to self corn.
—Mizh Udison Theresa

kus 99.9% of dem are too poor and only depend on d old inherited buildings bu deir fadas, dey do nothing dan just collecting rent, poor pp.
—VitalityConcept Int'l

Have u gone to Enugu?
Enugu state is the Calabar the agent is requesting for 10% but in Enugu the agent doesn't have amount, he will just call any amount for you which is very bad, u may rent an apartment of 200k and end up paying 150k to agent, very bad. Coupled with their water wahala.
—Kennedy Otu

Kennedy Otu I support you my dear.
—Etiz Anifrank Udohnsseh

Etiz Anifrank Udohnsseh my dear they should leave Calabar alone o.
—Kennedy Otu

Kennedy Otu in Lagos you could rent a house of 200k and pay 150k for commission and agreement, isn't that madness
—Mary Etim

Mary Etim big madness
—Kennedy Otu

Kennedy Otu dats very true,
Enugu state is terrible wen it cums to house hunting
—Ikwa Magaret

Ikwa Magaret my sister I tire for them o
—Kennedy Otu

My first experience was in 2014 when i came in newly.
Was looking for an apartment,met with an agent.
Filled a form and the rest is history.
—Faith Ekpe

Because Calabar men have nothing else to do except to collect rent that's kind of their full time job.
—Abine Emmanuel

Come to Port Harcourt you will understand.
—Mary Monday Ebong

Calabar, one of the worst places to look for a house in Nigeria, especially for students.
—Ogar JC

After paying for a year house rent my landlord came to knock my door one month later that we should start paying security fees, every Month 1k.
—Patricia Njoku

Very nonsense set of people, only in Calabar u see flats wid out bole hole in them, aw eke in dis area, 3 bed room no water, 4 bed room no water tueeeh!!!!
—Emem Bassey

I experienced this at Akpabuyo, Cross River during my service year, I was so surprised and I thought I was scammed but I was told it part of their culture, that's when I remain calm.
—Taiwo Oluwaseun Kayode

Calabar blog u really needs to upgrade.
—BigGeorge Edem

BigGeorge Edem I swear very uninformed platform.all the know is to post news that we've already read for like 4 hours ago
—Bassey Ita

Calabar South Landlord shit no flush, tenant come add him own on top.
Landlord vex say make tenant park out!
#problem no the finish.
—JC Ebikã

Them dey shout like say e bad pass Lagos.
—Archibong Hashbury Efefiom

I experienced same in 2003. What would I do I paid. But subsequently I stayed in the hostel and it was the best decision I ever made. I was closer to my colleagues and got access to materials easily.
—Kayo Willie-inyang

After paying for the rent (48k), toilet fee (10k), agreement fee (5k), drink (3k)...Guess what? 👇
He asked me to borrow him money!
Calabar landlords are just so useless. Tuah!
—Stephen Nse

Stephen Nse he use it and drink their favorite drink "Ogogoro"
—Goodnez Elemi

Goodnez Elemi As in ehh!
—Stephen Nse

Stephen Nse early morning you'll see a full grown-up man drinking and making noise. It's so annoying.
—Goodnez Elemi

Stephen Nse this one off me!
—Augustine Amama

Stephen Nse he asked you to borrow him money? Hahahaha!
—Imajeni Alice

Imajeni Alice, Imajeni Alice It well my dear.
—Stephen Nse

Na who never pay rent outside CALABAR de talk rubbish. Abeg do you want me to tell you my experience in Uyo 2018 as a year1 student abi na lagos own. Calabar de learn work.
—Mayenbubblez Efa

Mayenbubblez Efa most of them haven’t lived outside Calabar. Their world begins at 8miles and end’s at Anantigha that’s why it’s easy for them to spew gibberish.
—Efa-man David

Very nonsense people do they know what I went through in Aba come to talk of what happened to my brother in Port Harcourt there are here talking what they don't know.common better food sef I no see chop
—Bassey Ita

Bassey Ita my brother don't even mention Aba ooo.
In aba you can't invite your friends to visit you, if they do they can't sleep over because the landlord doesn't want the toilet to be filled.
All this people talking trash is because they don't travel.
—Fortune Nsa

Seriously, so absurd and extreme extortion from tenants, this need to stop.
—Nkoro E. Nkoro

Na Akwa Ibom landlord dey take lead oo e tire me even with d toilet fee dem go dey threaten to lock d toilet wey u pay for chai. Akwa Ibom isongo!
—Bibi Gold

Bibi Gold Tang usuk usuk now.
Ur voice is loud mbok. or ayem no afre awo ediongo ke Akwa Ibom idoho ok?
Mboho ndo ufan afo aba o.
—Dt Scandenavian

Those saying calabar is the worst hmmm go to Lagos state where pay agent to take u around and end up not seeing him another day. U pay agent and agreement before seeing the landlord sef.
—Sally Etawo
So they still practice this? They will even want to know the number of people in your house hmmmmmm, seeing a visitor in your house. Na serious wahala!
—Magaret Riwhie

Years back I suffered,my first apartment in school was 2012 6 months for my rent to be expired I traveled when I came back i saw my landlord at my door saying,please o I was here last months because ur rent has expired I was like six months to go? He said yes.I just looked at him and left after that year I packed out of the compound for for good where I had my freedom,peace and everything till my graduation (Calabar).
—Christina Akpam

Is Uncle Edet still in that Calabar???
—Bobjoes Iyke

Bobjoes Iyke Edet is no longer in calabar, he lives in London.
—Atum Detimbirga

Atum Detimbirga Chai! This man self.
—Bobjoes Iyke

Bobjoes Iyke he is no a boy any longer nah. When you used to hear about "Edet Lives in Calabar" then he was a child and he was living with his parents then.
—Atum Detimbirga

You people should come to PH here...
The least one room you get is 50k... And is equivilent to Batcher. That one sef is not one room.
Good one room here is from 80k
Good self con 200k
Then before u see this house of this low level u pay 2k.
If u pay the rent. U pay 10% agent fee immediately
Pay drinking money 10k
Agreement fee 5k
Pay caution fee 50k if the house is eveb new o... But is refundable
Minus light money and other small small once o.
If u finish, na your body go tell u.
—Arit Bassey

Warri here e dey happen, Lagos, Port Harcourt na Nigeria poor neighborhood thing. Next.
—Peculiar Peace

As a must, renew your rent at the 10th month. A year is 10 months here o.
—John Chris Iteh

John Chris Iteh not only in Calabar.
Even in Aba that's what they do there.
—Fortune Nsa

Fortune Nsa Hmm... but its not correct.
—John Chris Iteh

Many of them depends on their fadas properties, ( inherited properties) and just that for survival very bad.
—SirThomas Ekwere
Calabar landlords are terrible especially those from Akwa Ibom.
—Mgbalam James Geshom

That because you're source your apartment the old way, use House Conduit next time.
—David Egbohor

Enugu state have A1 in this...
—Mary Okaba

Is is not better than some part of Enugu that you will pay 150k for legal fees, agent 100k, 50k caution fee n landlord sister money 50k?
—Bless Effiom

Bless Effiom this one na cruise.. where e happen?
—Testimony Joseph

Testimony Joseph, Enugu.
—Bless Effiom

I look forward to hear from a landlord I want his house, and he tells me toilet fee. The answer I want to give him will just faint him.
—Kingsley Akpabio Joseph

Lol! See how all of una dey shout toilet fees... No toilet fees for self con oh.
—Macaulay King Ogie

It's a Nigerian thing even for Lagos.
—DrLokosmith Okon

Calabar landlord has used a spell to lure our 17 yr old cousin away from home. Lured her Into travelling to pH with him. We don't know how to break the spell.
—Joel Sunday

Joel Sunday udauk akpan that kill iniobong na Calabar man he be you don't have what to say.
—Immaculata Eyo Andem

Immaculata Eyo Andem ask am ooo.
—Fortune Nsa

Fortune Nsa he ran to calabar na. I'm sure he was.. Maybe ur friend.
—Joel Sunday

have you gone to Enugu?
Enugu state is the worst... Igbo agent is requesting for 1700k then lawyer will call any amount for you for his own too, you may rent an apartment of 300k, they lack water... To be a agent in a Enugu eh... They respect agent in Enugu state more than army man oooooo...
 —Lee M Nick

In my former house in goldie after i paid all those thrash... After about one month of staying in the compound the landlady showed up demanding for her fee... It was funny at first cos the agent didn't tell me about that one but after going round to find out from neighbors they said it's true I ended up paying cos she was always breathing down on my neck bcos of it.
—Anderson Egbe

Funny once they call Calabar
You guys will start involving Lagos
Una house facilities fit compare to that of Lagos houses.
—Edehemi Johnpaul Chevko

Very stupid attitude,and agents are not helping too.
—Mary John
Mary John they are not helping at all.
—Emeka Kingsley

Emeka Kingsley wicked people.
—Mary John

Mary John hahaha I am telling you.
—Emeka Kingsley

When you go to pay for a single room why won’t they charge you for pit toilet?
Go and get a self contain and pay agency that all.
—Koko Bassey

Koko Bassey this want enter oooo.
—Zionqueen Pae Okey

Koko Bassey walai.
—Esther Odu

Walt Wae Omori
—Koko Bassey Omo!

Dem d shock person for that Calabar.
—Ide John Murphy

They're jobless set of people.
—Chukwuemeka Fredrick



Nsikak Andrew – In Patches of Thoughts, Words are Formed!: House Hunting in Calabar that will Make You Laugh
House Hunting in Calabar that will Make You Laugh
Here are funny stories that will make you laugh about house hunting in Calabar.
Nsikak Andrew – In Patches of Thoughts, Words are Formed!
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